


Love, Alexander

by max_writes



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Heavy Angst, I Made Myself Cry, Intense Trigger Warning, M/M, Suicide, like seriously, really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-15 19:44:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19302550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/max_writes/pseuds/max_writes
Summary: Really fucking sad. Mainly self-projecting. The other boys love Alexander and he just can't see it. It gets sad guys. Just please be careful.





	Love, Alexander

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning for suicide, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm.

Alexander felt his knees give out as he fell against the wall. He sunk down it as he struggled to hold back his tears. The image of his cousin hanging from the ceiling fan by a noose flashed in his eyes, causing a broken sob to escape between his lips. Tears were blurring his vision as he rushed to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He had to make this quick, John would be home in twenty minutes. He pulled open the drawer, cursing his shaky hands as he searched for the thing that would bring him comfort. He sighed in relief as he pulled the small piece of metal out of his drawer. He yanked up his sleeves to expose skin covered with years worth of self-harm scars. He'd been clean for 4 months now. He hated to disappoint John, Laf, and Herc, the loves of his lives, but he couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't handle the feeling that he didn't deserve to live. He couldn't handle the guilt that he was the reason his cousin killed himself. That he was the reason his mother died. He had to leave before he hurt his boyfriends. The rational part of his brain used this thought to jump in with an argument, "Wouldn't this hurt them?" Alexander shook his head, he couldn't afford to be selfish. He walked over to the bathtub and sat down pulling a piece of notebook paper out of his pocket. He left it on the toilet seat for one of them to find after his death. He put the blade to his skin and dragged it deeply through the tender flesh. He hissed at the sudden sting and then relished in the pain. He deserved all of it. He continued this until, when he looked down, there was blood running off his arms and pooling on the surface of the tub. He watched the blood trail towards the drain until he became lightheaded. He welcomed the blackness, just as the front door closed behind his unsuspecting lover.

John Laurens walked into his home to be met with silence. His brow furrowed as he registered the lack of noise. If Alexander was home he should hear music, or at least the keyboard clicking as his boyfriend works frantically on an essay for his classes.

"Alexander?"

His voice echoed through the house, only to be met by silence. John's heart rate spiked as he began to rush towards the bedroom. His bags abandoned by the front door, he flung open the door to the bedroom to be met with an empty bed and no Alexander in sight. He saw the light coming from under the bathroom door and felt his blood run cold. He ran over and tried the door, locked. He began to pound on the door and, when met with no answer, rushed to the desk to grab the key to the bathroom. He slammed the key into the lock and threw open the door. He screamed as he saw the love of his life, one of the men for whom he had an expensive ring in a box in the bag by the door, covered in his own blood, pale and unmoving, laying in the tub. He dropped to his knees and scrambled over to Alexander and frantically felt for a pulse. It was faint, but it was there. He let out a shaky sigh and ripped off his t-shirt, pressing it to Alexander's arms in vain hope to stop the bleeding. He fumbled around in his back pocket, trying to pull out his phone when he heard a voice from the doorway.

"Mon amour, are you alright? I heard a scream."

"Laf, call 9-1-1! Alex is gonna bleed out!"

He hoped that he was being of some use as he heard Laf on the phone in the other room.

"Alex. Alex. Please, you can't die. I love you. I-I wanna marry you. So, please stay strong for me."

He heard Laf's footsteps rushing towards the bathroom as he tried to comprehend what was happening. Laf ran into the room and stopped when he caught sight of his best friend, his Alex, his petit lion, bleeding into the bathtub. He gasped and felt tears well up in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall as he watched John trying desperately to save his boyfriend's life. He grabbed a towel and held it under the faucet, rushing it to John when it was wet.

"Reste vivant, petit lion. John a besoin de vous. Herc a besoin de toi, j'ai besoin de toi petit lion. Nous vous aimons, tant Alexandre. Putain, bâtard, ne meurs pas. Tu m'entends? Don't you dare fucking die on us."

Laf barely noticed that he said it in his native tongue, he knew that Alexander would understand. He heard the sirens at the front of the house and jumped up to go lead them to Alexander. John picked Alex's limp form out of the tub, rushing him to the paramedics. He handed Alex off to the medic and watched as they sped off towards the hospital. In the ambulance, the medics were frantically trying to hook the young man up to all the necessary machines. They were dressing his wounds when he flat-lined. The following minutes were filled with chaos as they fought to restart Alex's heart. They pulled up to the hospital and rushed him inside, to the med bay. Transferring him over to a bed and ventilating him. John rushed into the med bay and watched through a window as the doctors fought to save Alex. He watched in horror as Alex flat-lined once again, the doctors breaking into chaos. He heard the pads being charged and watched when his boyfriend's body spasmed up over and over without change on the monitor. He let out a scream of agony when he heard the words that would haunt him for the rest of his life,

"Time of death 17:34."

Laf pulled John's thrashing form to him and held John as he cried. Laf could feel sobs of his own bubbling in his chest and this time he let them out. They sunk to the floor and sobbed in each other's arms. Hercules came rushing in, knowing what happened when he saw two out of three of his boys crumpled on the ground in tears. He rushed over and wrapped his big arms around the crying men, pulling them close to his chest. He felt John wrap his arms around Herc's neck and cry into his shoulder while Laf balled his fists in Herc's shirt and wailed into his chest. He felt tears rolling down his face as he cried into John's curly hair that was loose of its usual ponytail. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see the doctor who looked at him with pity.

"I'm sorry for your loss, but he lost to much blood and the trauma was too much."

Herc nodded his head, numb to what the doctor was saying to him, only worried about the two broken humans clinging to him. He slowly stood up and pulled John and Laf to their feet with him.

"Can we see him?"

Herc asked, his voice cracking. The doctor eyed the two clinging to Herc,

"I don't know if that would be wise with the state of these two."

"Please, I- we need to say goodbye."

The doctor simply sighed and motioned for them to follow him to the room where Alexander spent his last moments. Herc gasped when he caught sight of Alex, his little Alex, hooked up to machines that had long been turned off, covered with his own blood with a tube stuck down his throat. John turned to look and rushed to Alexander's body, flinging himself over the corpse and screaming into his now still chest,

"How could you, Alexander? Why would you leave us? I can't do this without you! Please, please come back."

Herc rushed over to comfort him when he started banging his fists on Alex's chest. John turned back to Herc and collapsed onto him, sobbing. Laf slowly approached Alex and laid his hand on Alex's cheek. He immediately recoiled at the coolness of his skin.

"He-He used to be so warm. He-He can't be dead. No, non, non, mon petit lion ne peut pas être mort. Que vais-je faire? Pourquoi quitter Alexandre? Ne saviez-vous pas que nous vous aimons? Je t'aime, Alex! Pourquoi? Non, il ne peut pas être mort. He can't be dead!"

Laf crumpled and Herc caught him before he could hit the ground. Herc nodded to the doctor and headed for the door.

"Let's go, guys."

He strapped them both into the car and drove back to the house. He helped the two back into the bedroom and laid them both on the bed, John and Laf too numb to care anymore. Herc walked into the bathroom and felt himself break down. Blood coated the inside of the tub, Alex's blood. Herc walked over and turned on the faucet, rinsing the blood out of the tub and down the drain. He grabbed the small piece of metal and flushed it down the toilet. He was about to leave when he noticed a piece of notebook paper on the floor. He bent to retrieve it and opened it up, the tears flowing freely when he saw Alexander's beautiful cursive script. He began to read, not caring what it might do to him.

"Dear John, Laf, and Herc

If you are reading this, that means that I have killed myself. I always knew that this would happen. I've wanted to do this for years now and so, it's done. It's not your fault so don't even try to blame yourselves, and don't blame it on each other either. I just want you guys to continue on when I'm gone. I want you guys to love each other and never lose sight of the fact that what we had was rare and it can continue even after I'm gone. Herc, if you look in the very bottom of the top drawer of my desk, you'll find a box containing 4 rings. Propose to Laf and John for me. John, don't you dare lock yourself in our room and cry. Live for me, okay? Laf, I want you to stay my sunshine. Keep yourself happy and cheer up the others. I love you guys and never forget that. I'll always be there watching over you and I'll continue to live through memories.

Love, your petit lion,

Alexander"

Herc let out a sob and crumpled to the floor in tears. He clutched the letter to his chest and choked on his tears. John and Laf rushed in and took the letter, bursting into tears when they were done reading it. They dropped to their knees next to Herc and let him pull them to his chest. It may take a long time to heal, but they knew they would because they would always have each other.


End file.
